Insecurities.

I'm just going to say this up front. I know most of my blogs are depressing and the thing is most of the time I am happy and when I'm happy I don't feel like blogging but when I'm depressed I feel as if I need to get my feelings and thoughts out of my system. So here it goes...

Lately... I can't even look at my body in the mirror. For the first time I have truly begun to feel self conscious. I feel more attractive with my clothes on. I can't looking at myself naked. I feel so disproportionate.

Not only that but I'm really lonely. Really really lonely. So not only do I feel unattractive but I also feel that I don't have a chance. In the past six months every guy that I've tried talking to has just wanted me for sex or blown me off. Both of which I can't stand. I don't feel truly accepted by many of my friends and I feel a bit abandoned in a way.

I know what you're thinking. Have faith in the lord and good things will come to you. The thing is I've been praying about all of these things for months and I feel hopeless.

My New Friend Matt.

Matt is my new friend. At first I wasn't too sure of what to think of him and he made me feel a little uneasy at first but the more we keep talking the more we realize we could be good friends. Now our friendship will never be more than friends because he's 23. I want to make that very clear. We both have talked about this and have come to an agreement that we could never be more than friends.

Matt is a strange silly fellow and that's what I like about the guy. He has many stories to tell me about and we always have a good laugh. We hung out last night after my shift and just walked around Riverpark and it was nice. We shared various experiences and strange moments with eachother and it was fun.

I just thought I'd share that with you because truly I didn't expect him to be my friend.

The Past Hurts.

I've been looking through so many pictures on my old laptop because I'm giving this laptop to my grandpa so I have to completely clear it out and take my music and old photographs onto my other computer. All I can say is... junior year was amazing. Despite the stress I truly had some amazing people in my life and each and every picture has been breaking my heart in a way. At least i have the memories.

I've gone through various choir pictures, "Fish Nets and Rice Day", various family pictures, other pictures from school,...etc.

Not to mention as I was playing these the song "I Miss You" by Blink 182 was playing on my iTunes...oh the irony.

*sigh*

I just wish I had some of these people back in my life like how they used to be for an example....


1. Malachi Taylor
2. Emily Silveira
3. Matt Means
4. Wiebke Scholtz
5. Justin Fleschenberg
6. Joshua Brown
7. Kevin Thunderberg (ahh totally forgot his last name gahhh)
8. Melody McLear
9. Colin Dalton
10. Summer Cecil

And I know there will be more added to my list as I look through these pictures.

"I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so."- Blink 182

The copious clouds roared within the darkened gray sky. Pitter, patter, pitter, patter, pitter, patter, accompanied the roars with the sweet drops of rain. Woo, a stretched out sound of air flowed through the air. Leaves crinkled falling off of the withered away branches flowing onto the grown like a wave at sea. Crows cried in the distance for a safe place to hide. The eerie weather had just begun.

She sat in her great grandmother's hickory chair leaning forward and backward, forward and backward again like a slow silent cello in the background. The woman's hair waved to beneath her breast line, raving her rusty autmn color weaved within strands of white. Her eyes had seen much in her life time. With her worn out deep green eyes she watched the storm to come, silently humming a song of her mother's to herself in her deep alto voice. It made her feel safe when she was a young girl.

Silently sleeping,
All through the night,
Mother is peeping,
To be sure I'm alright

The storm woorled louder now. The pitter patter pitter patter had morphed into an angry stampeed. The whoorling wind began to pick up small items for the ground carrying it alongside with it. Lightening beamed from the sky less than a mile again. The middle-aged woman hummed her song louder, calm but cautious.

Her black cat dashed away from his typical daytime lounge besides the rickety tree and scurried over pawing at the frame of the netted door, but she did not budge. She sat there robotically leanign back and forth on her great grandmother's hickory chair humming her mother's soothing song.

Lightening striked again less than a half a mile away nearby a tree. A deep operatic roar multiplied in the background. A lost dog ran by Hickory Lane with a tattered piece of rope dragging by it's side. The dog staggered, whimpering at each pace.


[yeah now I'm stuck... haha I hope you enjoyed that]

Completely Happy :]

Life has truly been wonderful lately. I'm not going to lie, ever since my parents have left for GA life has been FANTASTIC! Lauren and I had one of the most amazing nights of our lives Thursday. Our original plan was to just go to Zombie Prom but the play sucked and eventually out of all things we decided to drive to Madera! And he had an absolute blast! I love that girl.

Then work was pretty good this weekend and then tonight Emily and I a wonderful evening as well. I swear, she was dying to tell me every microscopic detail from her night last night and it was so cute but at the same time that made me feel slightly lonely as well but we laughed our heads off so much and yet again I had another unforgettable evening.

Honestly, I had so many friends asking me if I was going to throw a party while my parents have been away and it's just like you know I've had so much fun just having clean fun throughout the whole week that a party would be nothing in comparison.

So thank you God for such an amazing time.

I am truly greatful.

So It's Been A While.

Something that I have learned over time is that the people that you think are there for you...aren't always there. Pardon my language but they may appear as the half-assed friend. I feel about this towards MANY people and I there is something I've kept deep inside of me since the summer began and I need to scream it out to the world. I feel so utterly alone. I don't think I've ever felt this alone in my life. The closest to this feeling was when I had jaw surgery and gum surgery. No one came to visit me except my family. They are the ones I rely on. During that time period I was in pain and no one decided to show up to my house to say hello except I think two friends of mine, both of which have moved onto other lives in other places. 

You see, I'm the type of person that is the social butterfly. I try talking to everyone in the group. I try to get close to people and try to have time with others. I just crave to get to know people. And I knew this summer would be a little bit crappy because of graduation, friends moving on, and the breakup with Rex. But I was distracted...I replaced my own weakness with a...temporary manner. But I had this mindset that college would be the coolest place ever. I'd get to meet new people...I'd love my classes. It was just going to be this fantastic experience. 

But here's the thing... nobody really socializes at FCC...and the classes are alright and all but isn't it the people that really create the experience? I was overly excited when one of the cool girls from my writing class and I walked together because in a way I felt like I finally starting to to get somewhere with the new friends thing...but it's just not working.

It's like everyone is in their own little world there. For some reason the first thing I picture of is a world where everyone has their own bluetooth in their ear and are all walking the same way at the same time, talking in the same voice tone about the same things. And I'm the one taking out the bluetooth watching them all thinking, "What is going on here?" 

Now you are reading this and probably thinking... omg... is she actually serious? And I totally am. I have felt this way for so long and I'm grabbing onto that last strand of thread trying to hold on. When I am with people the thoughts are temporarily hidden away but when its times like these where I spend hours alone... with no one that it hurts.

And just to let you know I'm not suicidal or anything. Those of you that know me very well I think know that I could never feel that way but I do know there needs to be something that changes soon.

A simple...rant.

For all of those who are about to read this. This was purely created out of passionate despise and was also created for love of quick writing. When I am angry I have to type it out and so I am for warning you this and I know it's something that will eventually work out. But when I wrote this last night I had developed so much anxiety and anger inside that I let my fingers flow on my keyboard.

ENJOY! :D

How is it that even you who knows how perspective I am that I wouldn’t understand you. And this situation you created. That is right. You keep telling yourself it has been me all along. Me being the, “over dramatic angry whore.” But you have misunderstood the situation. Have some balls and apologize for this madness you created. You were the one that cheated your way through our relationship. Sly like a menacing fox about to race to the pray. Eyes open wide dazzling while you salivate all over the new estrogen proto type. I suspected but didn’t confess. I wanted and hoped for the best and looked for the good. But those menacing dazzling eyes shredded me into pieces. You walk away from your own damage you’ve created acting as if it’s the circle of life.

Well here’s the thing, you’re subconscious mind is blocking the guilt and shame from your own selfish never ending need of something new and fresh. You were looking for love and once you found me even though your thoughtless words said you loved me, you were hiding from acknowledging the unclaimed desire of a perfect love. I was your temporary cover up. And you consistently persisted to take more from me. More of things I would have wanted to keep sacred but I gave them to you out of loneliness and feeling needy. A concept I never truly understood until then. You desire for perfection in all outlooks but you know you will never truly be happy because inside you’re so incredibly self conscious by your own imperfect self. You desire to be the perfect one woman man but also to be the man of many women. The two complete opposites will never be the yin and the yang. They clash like two tigers fighting for a mate.

You disgust me with your sexually addicted fascination that you lost all love for me and persisted till I wouldn’t give you anymore. You then realized that I wouldn’t give you what you wanted and became bored and gave up on something incredible. We made it seem like we were just a summer fling but even you know it was so much more. Not even your own subconscious mind can hide that. I don’t believe you ever loved me like the way you said you did. Or barely ever kissed me the way lovers should kiss. But I know I meant something to you and I will be someone you’ll never forget. I will be that lingering taste in your mouth like a comfort food. Over time you will crave my taste and I will have simply moved on by then because truly as hurt as I am by this massacre. I am relieved that you are no longer the boy I am embarrassed to say is my boyfriend, no longer the boy who pressures me into something I don’t want to become, no longer the boy who only wants an everlasting more.

I want someone that will love me for me and respect my decisions and who wouldn’t ever have the thought in mind to manipulate me to do something I’m not ready to do or want to do. And you sir, the gluttonous luster, I am happy to say that I will never let you try to pry upon me again. I have examined the way you etch your way to battle and for your information this battle is over. And the victory is mine.

Pick up the Pieces

Please glorious amazing lord help me. For I have fallen into a broken place. Not necessarily dark but broken. I thought I was over my last ex and then you gave me that dream reminding me that he was still there in my mind subconsiously. Lord I want to let go. And let go of someone I care about now and my ex. I need to start a new path in my life now and they are not what I want in the back of my mind. The to polar opposites that had drawn me in in many different complex ways. But they are my past. No matter how much my heart thirsts for the taste of  "feeling loved" I will prevail. I need my own time God. For months my faith with you as fallen. At this point I'm not really sure how to start all over again but all I can say that is and will always stay true is that I believe in you lord and you are truly the most incredible light. When the time is right and you know I'm for sure ready come into me and show me a new glorious world. 

A Taste of Go Girl [True Story]

So my Dad and I are in Vons just picking up some things before picking up Chinese at Happy Dragon. So we're looking around and we're discussing energy drinks and Dad is raving about Tag. So I tell him you know I don't think they sell Tag here but we look anyways. So we find the collection of energy drinks and did not see Tag (as I suspected) but, we saw the lamest name for an energy drink that had estrogen written all over it. It was called Go Girl. My dad and I busted up laughing as soon as we saw the product.



So anywho I'm like wow...that's got to be one lame energy drink. It sounds super weak. And so he's like, "Well...why don't you try it?" So I pick up this "energy drink" and take a look at it

It was really pink. Apparently Go Girl supports the Breast Cancer Foundation. And had the typical qualities as your average energy drink.



So I'm like okay why not for the heck of it. So I go to put the Go Girl can in the basket it and I guess someone it hit a sharp corner and it starts to explode in the front of the isle so my dad takes it and puts pressure over the opening and then gives it to me which ofcourse gets more "Go Girl shit" all over me so then I decided that I must stash away this evidence so I put it by the plant section infront of me and quickly walk away with my dad lol. Once we arrive to check out my dad says go get another one so I get it. We leave the store and it truly was pretty weak...

It was just like a strawberry soda.



So the moral of this story is...

If you see any drink product with the word Girl in it...they're most likely sexist bastards...

If you are in need of storing an exploding object in a store hide it with the plants.



And just to fill you in on something...

As lame as it was...
Breast Cancer never tasted so good :].

I'm Done.

I'm on with a new chapter in my life now. I want to be more heard and not just the friend on the sidelines. I want to be someone that truly makes a difference in other people's lives. I want to be the person that people can come to and just vent and ask for advice from. I want to be the one that has true friends that are completely happy with just watching Boy Meets World or are up for an adventure. 

I had friends like these and as time has moved on some have moved away, some have changed, and some have just almost completely shut me out from their true selves. 

All of these things used to be things I had in friends and I noticed... lately the ones that I have made a difference in their life, the ones that wanted my advice and were very open with me, the ones that wanted to just chill. Weren't the people that I considered my close friends but they are true friends. 

Today, I started to notice my feeling of truly wanting to let go and then I heard more things about others who have talked about me behind my back which I never didn't suspect but it was proof.  I'm tired of the fake friendships and I'm ready for real ones. 

After going to Hanford, I was around true people. People that didn't cause drama. People that I could trust and know would care. People that I know I could play glow in the dark frisbee at 2am :). People that want to just sit on a hammock or sit in a pitch black room and talk about issues. 

So thank you God for this challenge. In the past I used to hate change but in a way now I have become to really be grateful for the challenges you make me face. They make me stronger each day and I know in my heart the pain will end and there will always be a new even more beautiful beginning. 

Blessings.

I graduated.

And I'm not sure why BUT I'M SO STOKED!!!

So many amazing people I know from Campus Life and other friends said Congrats to me afterwards and I'm surprised I didn't cry from such joy. It was amazing to see all of them and I'm just so glad they went. I love you all.



Sober Grad was awesome. I almost didn't go even though I paid but I was like okay maybe it'll be kind of cool and it was a blast :D. Haha gambling probably was the best part lol. I'm not gonna lie lol.



Then I wake up this morning and someone who was my best friend tried getting in contact with me today and it was like OMG another blessing!

And this isn't even with all of the lovely graduation gifts and people that came to visit.



I don't think I've been this happy in a long time.

Thank you so much lord for your plentiful blessings :D

Help.

Lord Almighty,

I'm so tired of people that I think care about me lie to me, smile at me fakely, telling me they love me when I know the truth. I just wish people said the honest truth. I wish people didn't feel as if they had to hide their true self from me. Even the little things that they may feel as if I may be jealous or disappointed...whatever the situation is they should be able to trust me. I have been a good friend Lord. I have tried anyways very hard and we all fall short at times but I need you to forgive me and help me through this process for the best. Whether it means to let go and move on or to help strengthen the relationship just help me. I'm in a time in my life where times are changing and I don't feel as if I have anyone to really rely on. I have a feeling this summer a lot will change in general and one of the things is that I want to get closer to you lord but I want to also find friends that I can call a best friend again and mean it without looking at that person knowing that we aren't anymore or the boyfriend who says he loves me when I know he cares but he doesn't nearly care about me like the way he used to. I'm just so tired of being disappointed with the people I get close to. Because they always fade away. And yeah a bit of that is life. People do come in go but, I really would love to have some people I can actually rely on for a change.

A Strange Dream.

Okay so I shared this with a couple people today but I had the strangest dream last night.


It was prom and for some reason every couple were like on these little boats on this lake. It was night and everything looked really pretty there was candle light and everything but in the lake there were all of these polar bears and sharks. And there was this one polar bear and shark and both of them were like two times the size of my house (maybe more) and they wanted to eat me lol.


So I'm trying to hide from the polar bear and the shark behind this ice wall which is barely on any land to be supported which connected out to the lake.. And the polar bear ends up giving up but the shark is a little jerk and keeps on trying to get me but finally after a while the shark goes away so I bounce on each of the empty boats to go on the boat with my date who oddly wasn't Rex but Raphi lol I have no idea why Raphi was my date or why were were on these boats (or better yet why a massive shark and polar bear were trying to eat me but ANYWAYS!) I told Raphi we needed to leave and he's like what? And I just tell him we've gotta go there is a massive shark trying to eat me so we float in our boat as fast as we can away from the lake into this gate area where you could exit the lake and the shark started coming after us but we got out before the shark could get us.


I don't know what was going on with my subconscious mind but it was on CRACK! lol

I Need You.

I feel so lost right now. Everything except my faith with Christ is great right now and it's really starting to hit me. I confessed today how I truly haven't felt connected with the lord since like...January. I mean there were times where it was on and off but then around February or March it starting feeling more nonexistent. I would tell myself over and over again that things were okay. I was praying and I would talk to God on the way to school. But I never really looked in the bible and I just didn't seem to feel like "I had the time for him" or that I truly cared that much.

It started hurting so bad today in the middle of our small group. I was so focused lately on everything else great going on that I wasn't even paying attention to the most important thing. The lord. I know I need to go on a mission trip of some sort whether it's from Faith Community Church (Rex's Church- He has a lot of amazing friends there that I know could help guide me) or even New Harvest Church (the place where I feel at home). But I need to go somewhere and do something.

After our small group I almost started bauling. I couldn't take it. I needed to get away from all of the noise and be a peace talking to someone that I know will understand or help me somehow. Not somewhere where I could make a scene for everyone to see. I couldn't stand picturing that. So I tried calling up my sister first and thank God she answered and we talked for a little bit and she offered to pay for a mission trip of mine as a present. She is such an amazing blessing. Oh my God I adore her so much. I'm tearing up now just thinking of how incredible she is but at the time it was like...I really needed to talk to someone who could help me improve myself. So I tried calling Derek Abbott. I love that guy but sadly he didn't answer his phone. So I started looking through more of my contacts and out of nowhere I tried calling Matt. I don't even know why I tried. I hung up before even getting the answering machine.

And right now I just need to be alone. I need sometime alone for myself and no one seems to get it. My mom and I almost just now got into an argument because I told her I really need to be alone right now. She asked me if someone broke up with me?! Ofcourse not! I told her it was my faith and I don't think she even believed me.

But I have lost the passion I used to have and it hurts to terribly. Maybe Satan hasn't directed me into a bad area. I mean... let me rephrase that. The things I'm involved in right now are good but Satan has distracted me from the lord.

Even though it didn't strike me as much as it should in the car. This was the first song that played on the radio.

Britt Nicole- Believe

Wait, wait, wait, there's somethin' that I gotta say
It'll take, take, take, just a minute so don't walk away
I search in circles for a remedy
To fight the poison that is killing me
It's like I'm falling fast head over feet
Is anybody listening?

I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
Tired of living this way, tired of everyday
So will You help me?
I wanna breakthrough
I wanna believe in You

Hey, hey, hey, why is everyday the same for me?
Fake, fake, fake, just pretend what I'm supposed to be
I need an answer for my remedy
I need a Savior 'cause I'm in too deep
I reach up, I reach up
Will You reach down here to me?

I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
Tired of living this way, tired of everyday
So will You help me?
I wanna breakthrough
I wanna believe in You

You found me, found me, You were looking for me
You found me, found me, You were looking for me
You found me, You were waiting for me
I can see Your love
You found me, You were waiting for me
I can see Your love

I believe in You, I believe in You, I believe in You
I believe in You, I believe in You, I believe in You

I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
Tired of living this way, tired of everyday
So will You help me?
I wanna breakthrough
I wanna believe in You

I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
Tired of living this way, tired of everyday
So will You help me?
I wanna breakthrough
I wanna believe in You

Define Truth (tired of being the outcast).

What is truth? Is it the words the creep out of one's lips? Is it the look off innocence in one's dreary prolonged expression? Truth has a deeper meaning and it seems as if I have come to known people of nature that lack it. The truth of an undenying friendship. Or the truth of personalities and those who tend to...mend reality's footage. And those who laugh and fake their way through their life thinking selfishly of only themselves.

My birthday is coming up...and I don't think anyone cares. Did you know that hurts a lot? I think the only people that will actually even care to do something for me is my family and my boyfriend. That shows you were the true ones are now. And yeah, it's a birthday. There are plenty more of them. But when I think back on my 18th birthday I want to be able to smile and know it was a really nice one. Last year was a dud and the year before that was somewhat okay but not much better. And again it was really my family that put in the most effort. Honestly...I think my 15th Birthday was one of the best. My best friend (at the time) and I had close birthdays and had a joint party. We had the best of times back then...

I've been trying not to show others how I truly feel lately and maybe that makes me untruthful but people expect the smiling nodding face from me. They expect me to make them laugh and vent to me and so I can tell them it'll all be alright. Lately, I've been the one that's wanted to hear someone that would make me laugh and hear me out and tell me I'm alright. Thank you lord for Rex. Maybe I shouldn't be depending on him but lately besides family, he's all I've got.

Well that's my vent for the night. I just have been holding a lot in lately. Mostly stress and I miss the feeling of knowing that I have true friends. Maybe I do have some and I don't even realize it but there are some that you know truly don't want to be that close to you and that's what hurts the most.

Well that's all I have to say anyways...

A Cat is on My Lap

This is true.
So I'm thinking I'm going to rebel from Xanga.
Yes, I still use my xanga on occasion.
It's because nobody else uses it.
I think only one person I know checks it when I update it.
It's more of a place for true venting :].
Muahahaha
Okay so back to the cat on my lap.

He's pretty pimp.
My cat's name is Boots.
See that's already a fly name as it is right?

Well anyways...A Cat is on My Lap really shouldn't be the subject. But I don't care what you think because I like confusing you thinking that I'll talk about my cat sitting my lap while typing up this obnoxious blog for you lol anyways.

The true subject to this is...


Ah should I really say?
Okay you got me.
I got my prom dress.
It's black.
I almost got this amazing green one but I'm thinking simple and classic as my last year.
yeeha! Do we even have a theme this year? lol
Oh well who cares.
I never really cared about the whole "prom and formal themes or colors"
I would just be like hey! nice dress! taking you home! woot! theme SCHMEME!

I'm exhausted if you couldn't tell.
I've been walking around the mall for three hours. Men may tease a woman when she is saying I went shopping and now I am exhausted.
There are many reasons why shopping is exhausting:
1. No matter what kind of shoes you wear
2. You have to deal with obnoxious people that take all of the time they can to meander around the mall as you busily scavenge for the exit or another store you're trying to reach.
3. Okay so you get to the store and you're on a mission for something amazing but with great deals. So you go to the back of the store but there aren't any deals and if they due they are hideous so then you have quickly pace yourself around the store. And you find your item in the very corner of the room.
4. So you're pumped to go. You're got your amazing item. Maybe not as cheap as you'd like it but it's there and then you are stuck in that long never ending line. And you feel so impatient because you are getting tired, you're thristy, and maybe even a little hungry and those cinnamon roles in the next store isn't helping you out much better lol
5. So finally you get out of there, decide to pass on the overpriced cinnamon role and go to leave the mall. But you are stuck! You cannot find your car. So you desperately search for that gold saturn that not nearly a million people in Fresno have already.
6. Finally you find your car BUT the person right infront of you is too chicken to just go already.
7. Finally they do leave and you have escaped the parking lot. And then drive for 10 minutes almost falling asleep to your precious home.

The End.