So It's Been A While.

Something that I have learned over time is that the people that you think are there for you...aren't always there. Pardon my language but they may appear as the half-assed friend. I feel about this towards MANY people and I there is something I've kept deep inside of me since the summer began and I need to scream it out to the world. I feel so utterly alone. I don't think I've ever felt this alone in my life. The closest to this feeling was when I had jaw surgery and gum surgery. No one came to visit me except my family. They are the ones I rely on. During that time period I was in pain and no one decided to show up to my house to say hello except I think two friends of mine, both of which have moved onto other lives in other places. 

You see, I'm the type of person that is the social butterfly. I try talking to everyone in the group. I try to get close to people and try to have time with others. I just crave to get to know people. And I knew this summer would be a little bit crappy because of graduation, friends moving on, and the breakup with Rex. But I was distracted...I replaced my own weakness with a...temporary manner. But I had this mindset that college would be the coolest place ever. I'd get to meet new people...I'd love my classes. It was just going to be this fantastic experience. 

But here's the thing... nobody really socializes at FCC...and the classes are alright and all but isn't it the people that really create the experience? I was overly excited when one of the cool girls from my writing class and I walked together because in a way I felt like I finally starting to to get somewhere with the new friends thing...but it's just not working.

It's like everyone is in their own little world there. For some reason the first thing I picture of is a world where everyone has their own bluetooth in their ear and are all walking the same way at the same time, talking in the same voice tone about the same things. And I'm the one taking out the bluetooth watching them all thinking, "What is going on here?" 

Now you are reading this and probably thinking... omg... is she actually serious? And I totally am. I have felt this way for so long and I'm grabbing onto that last strand of thread trying to hold on. When I am with people the thoughts are temporarily hidden away but when its times like these where I spend hours alone... with no one that it hurts.

And just to let you know I'm not suicidal or anything. Those of you that know me very well I think know that I could never feel that way but I do know there needs to be something that changes soon.