I am Happy. :]

Many of the blogs I have posted are depressing or creative writing. It has also been a while since I have posted anything so here it goes.

I am so completely happy right now. I have come to the realization that no matter the challenges I have found my happiness.

I have found and have soaked up the people in my life that truly care about me and that I do as well. And I have taken out those who I felt used by, unappreciated, and or untrustworthy.

I have a boyfriend that I barely even know, but I already have amazing feelings for. Our chemistry is SO STRONG and I know I can truly be myself around him. With Rex, I always cared about him and I knew i could be myself but the chemistry with Jesse is 5x more amazing. Jesse likes EVERYTHING about me, thus far haha.

I am truly trying to get connected with various family members, which also is branched off of the first statement. I have been calling my sister more and I'm going to email Ray this week again. Despite the awkwardness of maintaining my relationship with my biological father, I know it's a relationship that I asked for. Even though it has taken so much time for my outreach and that it may take YEARS for me to accept him truly as a family member that I am making another step.

I have been working on my decision making and my attitude in tough situations. I feel as if I truly am improving myself as a person. People that don't change ever don't go anywhere. No matter what you do in life, without changing yourself first, life isn't nearly as rewarding.

Although there are a few things that I definitely want to work on such as my job situation, money management, and time management. I am making a couple huge steps to being a better person and doing better things for others.

Also, pardon my language but I'm tired of bull shitting. In many situations I have been very submissive. Although I do believe that a certain about of submission is good for everyone, I believe that I need to be more real with people and if I truly believe in something strongly, I will make it heard. This maybe one of the hardest changes for me but it is something that I will definitely work on and progress in time over the next few months.

So as my wonderful media psychology teacher, Mr. Beggs once said, "Do change! Change is good!"

Insecurities.

I'm just going to say this up front. I know most of my blogs are depressing and the thing is most of the time I am happy and when I'm happy I don't feel like blogging but when I'm depressed I feel as if I need to get my feelings and thoughts out of my system. So here it goes...

Lately... I can't even look at my body in the mirror. For the first time I have truly begun to feel self conscious. I feel more attractive with my clothes on. I can't looking at myself naked. I feel so disproportionate.

Not only that but I'm really lonely. Really really lonely. So not only do I feel unattractive but I also feel that I don't have a chance. In the past six months every guy that I've tried talking to has just wanted me for sex or blown me off. Both of which I can't stand. I don't feel truly accepted by many of my friends and I feel a bit abandoned in a way.

I know what you're thinking. Have faith in the lord and good things will come to you. The thing is I've been praying about all of these things for months and I feel hopeless.

My New Friend Matt.

Matt is my new friend. At first I wasn't too sure of what to think of him and he made me feel a little uneasy at first but the more we keep talking the more we realize we could be good friends. Now our friendship will never be more than friends because he's 23. I want to make that very clear. We both have talked about this and have come to an agreement that we could never be more than friends.

Matt is a strange silly fellow and that's what I like about the guy. He has many stories to tell me about and we always have a good laugh. We hung out last night after my shift and just walked around Riverpark and it was nice. We shared various experiences and strange moments with eachother and it was fun.

I just thought I'd share that with you because truly I didn't expect him to be my friend.

The Past Hurts.

I've been looking through so many pictures on my old laptop because I'm giving this laptop to my grandpa so I have to completely clear it out and take my music and old photographs onto my other computer. All I can say is... junior year was amazing. Despite the stress I truly had some amazing people in my life and each and every picture has been breaking my heart in a way. At least i have the memories.

I've gone through various choir pictures, "Fish Nets and Rice Day", various family pictures, other pictures from school,...etc.

Not to mention as I was playing these the song "I Miss You" by Blink 182 was playing on my iTunes...oh the irony.

*sigh*

I just wish I had some of these people back in my life like how they used to be for an example....


1. Malachi Taylor
2. Emily Silveira
3. Matt Means
4. Wiebke Scholtz
5. Justin Fleschenberg
6. Joshua Brown
7. Kevin Thunderberg (ahh totally forgot his last name gahhh)
8. Melody McLear
9. Colin Dalton
10. Summer Cecil

And I know there will be more added to my list as I look through these pictures.

"I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so."- Blink 182

The copious clouds roared within the darkened gray sky. Pitter, patter, pitter, patter, pitter, patter, accompanied the roars with the sweet drops of rain. Woo, a stretched out sound of air flowed through the air. Leaves crinkled falling off of the withered away branches flowing onto the grown like a wave at sea. Crows cried in the distance for a safe place to hide. The eerie weather had just begun.

She sat in her great grandmother's hickory chair leaning forward and backward, forward and backward again like a slow silent cello in the background. The woman's hair waved to beneath her breast line, raving her rusty autmn color weaved within strands of white. Her eyes had seen much in her life time. With her worn out deep green eyes she watched the storm to come, silently humming a song of her mother's to herself in her deep alto voice. It made her feel safe when she was a young girl.

Silently sleeping,
All through the night,
Mother is peeping,
To be sure I'm alright

The storm woorled louder now. The pitter patter pitter patter had morphed into an angry stampeed. The whoorling wind began to pick up small items for the ground carrying it alongside with it. Lightening beamed from the sky less than a mile again. The middle-aged woman hummed her song louder, calm but cautious.

Her black cat dashed away from his typical daytime lounge besides the rickety tree and scurried over pawing at the frame of the netted door, but she did not budge. She sat there robotically leanign back and forth on her great grandmother's hickory chair humming her mother's soothing song.

Lightening striked again less than a half a mile away nearby a tree. A deep operatic roar multiplied in the background. A lost dog ran by Hickory Lane with a tattered piece of rope dragging by it's side. The dog staggered, whimpering at each pace.


[yeah now I'm stuck... haha I hope you enjoyed that]

Completely Happy :]

Life has truly been wonderful lately. I'm not going to lie, ever since my parents have left for GA life has been FANTASTIC! Lauren and I had one of the most amazing nights of our lives Thursday. Our original plan was to just go to Zombie Prom but the play sucked and eventually out of all things we decided to drive to Madera! And he had an absolute blast! I love that girl.

Then work was pretty good this weekend and then tonight Emily and I a wonderful evening as well. I swear, she was dying to tell me every microscopic detail from her night last night and it was so cute but at the same time that made me feel slightly lonely as well but we laughed our heads off so much and yet again I had another unforgettable evening.

Honestly, I had so many friends asking me if I was going to throw a party while my parents have been away and it's just like you know I've had so much fun just having clean fun throughout the whole week that a party would be nothing in comparison.

So thank you God for such an amazing time.

I am truly greatful.

So It's Been A While.

Something that I have learned over time is that the people that you think are there for you...aren't always there. Pardon my language but they may appear as the half-assed friend. I feel about this towards MANY people and I there is something I've kept deep inside of me since the summer began and I need to scream it out to the world. I feel so utterly alone. I don't think I've ever felt this alone in my life. The closest to this feeling was when I had jaw surgery and gum surgery. No one came to visit me except my family. They are the ones I rely on. During that time period I was in pain and no one decided to show up to my house to say hello except I think two friends of mine, both of which have moved onto other lives in other places. 

You see, I'm the type of person that is the social butterfly. I try talking to everyone in the group. I try to get close to people and try to have time with others. I just crave to get to know people. And I knew this summer would be a little bit crappy because of graduation, friends moving on, and the breakup with Rex. But I was distracted...I replaced my own weakness with a...temporary manner. But I had this mindset that college would be the coolest place ever. I'd get to meet new people...I'd love my classes. It was just going to be this fantastic experience. 

But here's the thing... nobody really socializes at FCC...and the classes are alright and all but isn't it the people that really create the experience? I was overly excited when one of the cool girls from my writing class and I walked together because in a way I felt like I finally starting to to get somewhere with the new friends thing...but it's just not working.

It's like everyone is in their own little world there. For some reason the first thing I picture of is a world where everyone has their own bluetooth in their ear and are all walking the same way at the same time, talking in the same voice tone about the same things. And I'm the one taking out the bluetooth watching them all thinking, "What is going on here?" 

Now you are reading this and probably thinking... omg... is she actually serious? And I totally am. I have felt this way for so long and I'm grabbing onto that last strand of thread trying to hold on. When I am with people the thoughts are temporarily hidden away but when its times like these where I spend hours alone... with no one that it hurts.

And just to let you know I'm not suicidal or anything. Those of you that know me very well I think know that I could never feel that way but I do know there needs to be something that changes soon.