So I am aware that's been a while since I've blogged. Interestingly enough my pastor out of all people inspired me to blog right now. I was going through my emails and found one from my youth pastor, Paul Mannino, that he sent a url to a blog he had posted. It was really encouraging to see his love for the growth in NH's ministry and that he is so excited for the many changes and how God has come into the youth's lives. He described the wins and it made me really want to reflect with what's been going on my life lately and I figured why not blog it.
There have been some changes over the past few months now. I'm in my third semester in college now and it's been absolutely nonstop. I am very involved with school, work, and the youth ministry at NH. I go to school Tuesday, Wednesday. and Thursdays, work five days a week, and am in involved as the freshman high school girl's small group leader and either am at church or at a meeting for volunteering as a total of 2-3 days a week. On top of that I also have a wonderful boyfriend, some friends, and my family to try to find time for, oh yeah and homework I suppose lol. It's one heck of a schedule and it hasn't been easy but it's making me more independent which I enjoy.
Over the summer I was mainly working. I didn't take a vacation and would somedays hang out with friends, my boyfriend, Gary, or run a thousand errands lol.
Recently I have really been trying to pray more. My relationship with God got to the point where it was nearly non-existant. It seemed really fake to myself. I wanted to have a relationship with God, but I wasn't ready to have a great relationship with God again. I'm not going to lie, I have done some partying here and there. Not enormous amounts or super insane parties either, fairly chill ones really but still I have enjoyed partying. I have had problems with feeling tempted to flirt with other men while having a boyfriend (although I had never done anything it was still a desire), and apart of me really just didn't feel comitted to anything besides work. I know for myself that it was a stage and it is possible it may come again. But I can honestly say right now that I don't have a desire to go partying often at all. I suppose if I was invited to a party and if I wasn't exhausted from work, I'm sure I'd check it out, but I'm simply not really interested otherwise. I'm not seeking for one for sure.
But continuing with earlier I have been praying a lot more. Mainly for my girls' growth in their faith with god and mine as well. I had a talk with Paul and he has encouraged me to pray about something wonderful God has created every day and to read at least a different verse everyday. Now I haven't read a verse every day but I have been taking it one step at a time. I've been praying more about myself, others, and things that I am greatful for. I think that's a big step from near non-existance.
The girls I have gotten to know from church are incredible. They are all unique and wonderful girls. They all have such wonderful characteristics and I really care for them like they are my little girls. They yearn to understand truth, be loved, and understand themselves. And to see and be apart of their lives is just amazing. I feel truly blessed. I was talking in the car tonight with my friend Haylie Royce and I told her, you know if I can't do anything else with these girls this year its to show them that love and compassion and for them to have someone they can look up to and rely on. Even if I'm not going to be in Fresno forever, that they know that they can truly trust. I think that is very important to have is at least one person you know that you look up to as a role model and I really want God to help me be the best I can be for them. And along the way I'm sure I'll learn things from them as well.
On another note I've been dating Gary Weyand for a little less than 6 months now. He has very good to me overall. He has a great love for me and I do for him as well. As I have explained there was a time where I felt tempted to be with others while with him. That was a first for me. I've never felt tempted to flirt or cheat in a relationship in any way and it wasn't until recently when I erased a certain relationship out of my life that I truly loved him as well as Gary has loved me. I even admitted this to him today. I didn't go into specifics but I gave him the general idea. He is someone that for now I know I can rely on. Whether our relationship only lasts a few more months or that it lasts for years, I'm just appreciative that I have someone that is special to me now and that thinks I'm just as special too.
I know this blog hasn't been organized in any kind of way but lastly I would like to say this, I have so many goals that I am desiring to accomplish and that is to:
1. Be more proactive with my relationship with God. I can't just expect things to just happen to me. I need to do something about it where it's prayer, reading my bible, study groups..etc.
2. I really want to work on whatever problems I have with myself such as: I tend to talk too much too often around certain groups of people. I want them to do more of the talking. I feel very selfish in these conversations. Although I have SIGNIFICANTLY worked on my anger and my frustrations, I would really like to improve them so that my frustrations are even more constructive and concise or just to maybe keep a few things to myself rather than blab it. I want to be more patient with others (mainly family members)
3. I want to be a better friend and even though I have such a crazy schedule, to reach out to others more often. I tend to get so absorbed with my schedule and I am so used to people leaving me that I tend to just forget about trying to be close to others. Isn't that a sad thing? To forge tabout those you have cared about...I think there is something definitely wrong with that.
4. I want to find time for myself. Although I'm so busy all of the time doing everything I really crave to have hours or even a day to myself. It's very difficult but it would be nice to at least have once a week or every other week.
Overall I think I've been growing. I think its important for us all to recognize our mistakes, hypocracies, and messed up personalities and to desire to change our flaws to create something more wonderful. .
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