Insecurities.

I'm just going to say this up front. I know most of my blogs are depressing and the thing is most of the time I am happy and when I'm happy I don't feel like blogging but when I'm depressed I feel as if I need to get my feelings and thoughts out of my system. So here it goes...

Lately... I can't even look at my body in the mirror. For the first time I have truly begun to feel self conscious. I feel more attractive with my clothes on. I can't looking at myself naked. I feel so disproportionate.

Not only that but I'm really lonely. Really really lonely. So not only do I feel unattractive but I also feel that I don't have a chance. In the past six months every guy that I've tried talking to has just wanted me for sex or blown me off. Both of which I can't stand. I don't feel truly accepted by many of my friends and I feel a bit abandoned in a way.

I know what you're thinking. Have faith in the lord and good things will come to you. The thing is I've been praying about all of these things for months and I feel hopeless.

My New Friend Matt.

Matt is my new friend. At first I wasn't too sure of what to think of him and he made me feel a little uneasy at first but the more we keep talking the more we realize we could be good friends. Now our friendship will never be more than friends because he's 23. I want to make that very clear. We both have talked about this and have come to an agreement that we could never be more than friends.

Matt is a strange silly fellow and that's what I like about the guy. He has many stories to tell me about and we always have a good laugh. We hung out last night after my shift and just walked around Riverpark and it was nice. We shared various experiences and strange moments with eachother and it was fun.

I just thought I'd share that with you because truly I didn't expect him to be my friend.

The Past Hurts.

I've been looking through so many pictures on my old laptop because I'm giving this laptop to my grandpa so I have to completely clear it out and take my music and old photographs onto my other computer. All I can say is... junior year was amazing. Despite the stress I truly had some amazing people in my life and each and every picture has been breaking my heart in a way. At least i have the memories.

I've gone through various choir pictures, "Fish Nets and Rice Day", various family pictures, other pictures from school,...etc.

Not to mention as I was playing these the song "I Miss You" by Blink 182 was playing on my iTunes...oh the irony.

*sigh*

I just wish I had some of these people back in my life like how they used to be for an example....


1. Malachi Taylor
2. Emily Silveira
3. Matt Means
4. Wiebke Scholtz
5. Justin Fleschenberg
6. Joshua Brown
7. Kevin Thunderberg (ahh totally forgot his last name gahhh)
8. Melody McLear
9. Colin Dalton
10. Summer Cecil

And I know there will be more added to my list as I look through these pictures.

"I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so."- Blink 182

The copious clouds roared within the darkened gray sky. Pitter, patter, pitter, patter, pitter, patter, accompanied the roars with the sweet drops of rain. Woo, a stretched out sound of air flowed through the air. Leaves crinkled falling off of the withered away branches flowing onto the grown like a wave at sea. Crows cried in the distance for a safe place to hide. The eerie weather had just begun.

She sat in her great grandmother's hickory chair leaning forward and backward, forward and backward again like a slow silent cello in the background. The woman's hair waved to beneath her breast line, raving her rusty autmn color weaved within strands of white. Her eyes had seen much in her life time. With her worn out deep green eyes she watched the storm to come, silently humming a song of her mother's to herself in her deep alto voice. It made her feel safe when she was a young girl.

Silently sleeping,
All through the night,
Mother is peeping,
To be sure I'm alright

The storm woorled louder now. The pitter patter pitter patter had morphed into an angry stampeed. The whoorling wind began to pick up small items for the ground carrying it alongside with it. Lightening beamed from the sky less than a mile again. The middle-aged woman hummed her song louder, calm but cautious.

Her black cat dashed away from his typical daytime lounge besides the rickety tree and scurried over pawing at the frame of the netted door, but she did not budge. She sat there robotically leanign back and forth on her great grandmother's hickory chair humming her mother's soothing song.

Lightening striked again less than a half a mile away nearby a tree. A deep operatic roar multiplied in the background. A lost dog ran by Hickory Lane with a tattered piece of rope dragging by it's side. The dog staggered, whimpering at each pace.


[yeah now I'm stuck... haha I hope you enjoyed that]

Completely Happy :]

Life has truly been wonderful lately. I'm not going to lie, ever since my parents have left for GA life has been FANTASTIC! Lauren and I had one of the most amazing nights of our lives Thursday. Our original plan was to just go to Zombie Prom but the play sucked and eventually out of all things we decided to drive to Madera! And he had an absolute blast! I love that girl.

Then work was pretty good this weekend and then tonight Emily and I a wonderful evening as well. I swear, she was dying to tell me every microscopic detail from her night last night and it was so cute but at the same time that made me feel slightly lonely as well but we laughed our heads off so much and yet again I had another unforgettable evening.

Honestly, I had so many friends asking me if I was going to throw a party while my parents have been away and it's just like you know I've had so much fun just having clean fun throughout the whole week that a party would be nothing in comparison.

So thank you God for such an amazing time.

I am truly greatful.

So It's Been A While.

Something that I have learned over time is that the people that you think are there for you...aren't always there. Pardon my language but they may appear as the half-assed friend. I feel about this towards MANY people and I there is something I've kept deep inside of me since the summer began and I need to scream it out to the world. I feel so utterly alone. I don't think I've ever felt this alone in my life. The closest to this feeling was when I had jaw surgery and gum surgery. No one came to visit me except my family. They are the ones I rely on. During that time period I was in pain and no one decided to show up to my house to say hello except I think two friends of mine, both of which have moved onto other lives in other places. 

You see, I'm the type of person that is the social butterfly. I try talking to everyone in the group. I try to get close to people and try to have time with others. I just crave to get to know people. And I knew this summer would be a little bit crappy because of graduation, friends moving on, and the breakup with Rex. But I was distracted...I replaced my own weakness with a...temporary manner. But I had this mindset that college would be the coolest place ever. I'd get to meet new people...I'd love my classes. It was just going to be this fantastic experience. 

But here's the thing... nobody really socializes at FCC...and the classes are alright and all but isn't it the people that really create the experience? I was overly excited when one of the cool girls from my writing class and I walked together because in a way I felt like I finally starting to to get somewhere with the new friends thing...but it's just not working.

It's like everyone is in their own little world there. For some reason the first thing I picture of is a world where everyone has their own bluetooth in their ear and are all walking the same way at the same time, talking in the same voice tone about the same things. And I'm the one taking out the bluetooth watching them all thinking, "What is going on here?" 

Now you are reading this and probably thinking... omg... is she actually serious? And I totally am. I have felt this way for so long and I'm grabbing onto that last strand of thread trying to hold on. When I am with people the thoughts are temporarily hidden away but when its times like these where I spend hours alone... with no one that it hurts.

And just to let you know I'm not suicidal or anything. Those of you that know me very well I think know that I could never feel that way but I do know there needs to be something that changes soon.

A simple...rant.

For all of those who are about to read this. This was purely created out of passionate despise and was also created for love of quick writing. When I am angry I have to type it out and so I am for warning you this and I know it's something that will eventually work out. But when I wrote this last night I had developed so much anxiety and anger inside that I let my fingers flow on my keyboard.

ENJOY! :D

How is it that even you who knows how perspective I am that I wouldn’t understand you. And this situation you created. That is right. You keep telling yourself it has been me all along. Me being the, “over dramatic angry whore.” But you have misunderstood the situation. Have some balls and apologize for this madness you created. You were the one that cheated your way through our relationship. Sly like a menacing fox about to race to the pray. Eyes open wide dazzling while you salivate all over the new estrogen proto type. I suspected but didn’t confess. I wanted and hoped for the best and looked for the good. But those menacing dazzling eyes shredded me into pieces. You walk away from your own damage you’ve created acting as if it’s the circle of life.

Well here’s the thing, you’re subconscious mind is blocking the guilt and shame from your own selfish never ending need of something new and fresh. You were looking for love and once you found me even though your thoughtless words said you loved me, you were hiding from acknowledging the unclaimed desire of a perfect love. I was your temporary cover up. And you consistently persisted to take more from me. More of things I would have wanted to keep sacred but I gave them to you out of loneliness and feeling needy. A concept I never truly understood until then. You desire for perfection in all outlooks but you know you will never truly be happy because inside you’re so incredibly self conscious by your own imperfect self. You desire to be the perfect one woman man but also to be the man of many women. The two complete opposites will never be the yin and the yang. They clash like two tigers fighting for a mate.

You disgust me with your sexually addicted fascination that you lost all love for me and persisted till I wouldn’t give you anymore. You then realized that I wouldn’t give you what you wanted and became bored and gave up on something incredible. We made it seem like we were just a summer fling but even you know it was so much more. Not even your own subconscious mind can hide that. I don’t believe you ever loved me like the way you said you did. Or barely ever kissed me the way lovers should kiss. But I know I meant something to you and I will be someone you’ll never forget. I will be that lingering taste in your mouth like a comfort food. Over time you will crave my taste and I will have simply moved on by then because truly as hurt as I am by this massacre. I am relieved that you are no longer the boy I am embarrassed to say is my boyfriend, no longer the boy who pressures me into something I don’t want to become, no longer the boy who only wants an everlasting more.

I want someone that will love me for me and respect my decisions and who wouldn’t ever have the thought in mind to manipulate me to do something I’m not ready to do or want to do. And you sir, the gluttonous luster, I am happy to say that I will never let you try to pry upon me again. I have examined the way you etch your way to battle and for your information this battle is over. And the victory is mine.