Help.

Lord Almighty,

I'm so tired of people that I think care about me lie to me, smile at me fakely, telling me they love me when I know the truth. I just wish people said the honest truth. I wish people didn't feel as if they had to hide their true self from me. Even the little things that they may feel as if I may be jealous or disappointed...whatever the situation is they should be able to trust me. I have been a good friend Lord. I have tried anyways very hard and we all fall short at times but I need you to forgive me and help me through this process for the best. Whether it means to let go and move on or to help strengthen the relationship just help me. I'm in a time in my life where times are changing and I don't feel as if I have anyone to really rely on. I have a feeling this summer a lot will change in general and one of the things is that I want to get closer to you lord but I want to also find friends that I can call a best friend again and mean it without looking at that person knowing that we aren't anymore or the boyfriend who says he loves me when I know he cares but he doesn't nearly care about me like the way he used to. I'm just so tired of being disappointed with the people I get close to. Because they always fade away. And yeah a bit of that is life. People do come in go but, I really would love to have some people I can actually rely on for a change.

A Strange Dream.

Okay so I shared this with a couple people today but I had the strangest dream last night.


It was prom and for some reason every couple were like on these little boats on this lake. It was night and everything looked really pretty there was candle light and everything but in the lake there were all of these polar bears and sharks. And there was this one polar bear and shark and both of them were like two times the size of my house (maybe more) and they wanted to eat me lol.


So I'm trying to hide from the polar bear and the shark behind this ice wall which is barely on any land to be supported which connected out to the lake.. And the polar bear ends up giving up but the shark is a little jerk and keeps on trying to get me but finally after a while the shark goes away so I bounce on each of the empty boats to go on the boat with my date who oddly wasn't Rex but Raphi lol I have no idea why Raphi was my date or why were were on these boats (or better yet why a massive shark and polar bear were trying to eat me but ANYWAYS!) I told Raphi we needed to leave and he's like what? And I just tell him we've gotta go there is a massive shark trying to eat me so we float in our boat as fast as we can away from the lake into this gate area where you could exit the lake and the shark started coming after us but we got out before the shark could get us.


I don't know what was going on with my subconscious mind but it was on CRACK! lol

I Need You.

I feel so lost right now. Everything except my faith with Christ is great right now and it's really starting to hit me. I confessed today how I truly haven't felt connected with the lord since like...January. I mean there were times where it was on and off but then around February or March it starting feeling more nonexistent. I would tell myself over and over again that things were okay. I was praying and I would talk to God on the way to school. But I never really looked in the bible and I just didn't seem to feel like "I had the time for him" or that I truly cared that much.

It started hurting so bad today in the middle of our small group. I was so focused lately on everything else great going on that I wasn't even paying attention to the most important thing. The lord. I know I need to go on a mission trip of some sort whether it's from Faith Community Church (Rex's Church- He has a lot of amazing friends there that I know could help guide me) or even New Harvest Church (the place where I feel at home). But I need to go somewhere and do something.

After our small group I almost started bauling. I couldn't take it. I needed to get away from all of the noise and be a peace talking to someone that I know will understand or help me somehow. Not somewhere where I could make a scene for everyone to see. I couldn't stand picturing that. So I tried calling up my sister first and thank God she answered and we talked for a little bit and she offered to pay for a mission trip of mine as a present. She is such an amazing blessing. Oh my God I adore her so much. I'm tearing up now just thinking of how incredible she is but at the time it was like...I really needed to talk to someone who could help me improve myself. So I tried calling Derek Abbott. I love that guy but sadly he didn't answer his phone. So I started looking through more of my contacts and out of nowhere I tried calling Matt. I don't even know why I tried. I hung up before even getting the answering machine.

And right now I just need to be alone. I need sometime alone for myself and no one seems to get it. My mom and I almost just now got into an argument because I told her I really need to be alone right now. She asked me if someone broke up with me?! Ofcourse not! I told her it was my faith and I don't think she even believed me.

But I have lost the passion I used to have and it hurts to terribly. Maybe Satan hasn't directed me into a bad area. I mean... let me rephrase that. The things I'm involved in right now are good but Satan has distracted me from the lord.

Even though it didn't strike me as much as it should in the car. This was the first song that played on the radio.

Britt Nicole- Believe

Wait, wait, wait, there's somethin' that I gotta say
It'll take, take, take, just a minute so don't walk away
I search in circles for a remedy
To fight the poison that is killing me
It's like I'm falling fast head over feet
Is anybody listening?

I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
Tired of living this way, tired of everyday
So will You help me?
I wanna breakthrough
I wanna believe in You

Hey, hey, hey, why is everyday the same for me?
Fake, fake, fake, just pretend what I'm supposed to be
I need an answer for my remedy
I need a Savior 'cause I'm in too deep
I reach up, I reach up
Will You reach down here to me?

I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
Tired of living this way, tired of everyday
So will You help me?
I wanna breakthrough
I wanna believe in You

You found me, found me, You were looking for me
You found me, found me, You were looking for me
You found me, You were waiting for me
I can see Your love
You found me, You were waiting for me
I can see Your love

I believe in You, I believe in You, I believe in You
I believe in You, I believe in You, I believe in You

I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
Tired of living this way, tired of everyday
So will You help me?
I wanna breakthrough
I wanna believe in You

I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
I wanna believe
I wanna believe in love again
Tired of living this way, tired of everyday
So will You help me?
I wanna breakthrough
I wanna believe in You

Define Truth (tired of being the outcast).

What is truth? Is it the words the creep out of one's lips? Is it the look off innocence in one's dreary prolonged expression? Truth has a deeper meaning and it seems as if I have come to known people of nature that lack it. The truth of an undenying friendship. Or the truth of personalities and those who tend to...mend reality's footage. And those who laugh and fake their way through their life thinking selfishly of only themselves.

My birthday is coming up...and I don't think anyone cares. Did you know that hurts a lot? I think the only people that will actually even care to do something for me is my family and my boyfriend. That shows you were the true ones are now. And yeah, it's a birthday. There are plenty more of them. But when I think back on my 18th birthday I want to be able to smile and know it was a really nice one. Last year was a dud and the year before that was somewhat okay but not much better. And again it was really my family that put in the most effort. Honestly...I think my 15th Birthday was one of the best. My best friend (at the time) and I had close birthdays and had a joint party. We had the best of times back then...

I've been trying not to show others how I truly feel lately and maybe that makes me untruthful but people expect the smiling nodding face from me. They expect me to make them laugh and vent to me and so I can tell them it'll all be alright. Lately, I've been the one that's wanted to hear someone that would make me laugh and hear me out and tell me I'm alright. Thank you lord for Rex. Maybe I shouldn't be depending on him but lately besides family, he's all I've got.

Well that's my vent for the night. I just have been holding a lot in lately. Mostly stress and I miss the feeling of knowing that I have true friends. Maybe I do have some and I don't even realize it but there are some that you know truly don't want to be that close to you and that's what hurts the most.

Well that's all I have to say anyways...

A Cat is on My Lap

This is true.
So I'm thinking I'm going to rebel from Xanga.
Yes, I still use my xanga on occasion.
It's because nobody else uses it.
I think only one person I know checks it when I update it.
It's more of a place for true venting :].
Muahahaha
Okay so back to the cat on my lap.

He's pretty pimp.
My cat's name is Boots.
See that's already a fly name as it is right?

Well anyways...A Cat is on My Lap really shouldn't be the subject. But I don't care what you think because I like confusing you thinking that I'll talk about my cat sitting my lap while typing up this obnoxious blog for you lol anyways.

The true subject to this is...


Ah should I really say?
Okay you got me.
I got my prom dress.
It's black.
I almost got this amazing green one but I'm thinking simple and classic as my last year.
yeeha! Do we even have a theme this year? lol
Oh well who cares.
I never really cared about the whole "prom and formal themes or colors"
I would just be like hey! nice dress! taking you home! woot! theme SCHMEME!

I'm exhausted if you couldn't tell.
I've been walking around the mall for three hours. Men may tease a woman when she is saying I went shopping and now I am exhausted.
There are many reasons why shopping is exhausting:
1. No matter what kind of shoes you wear
2. You have to deal with obnoxious people that take all of the time they can to meander around the mall as you busily scavenge for the exit or another store you're trying to reach.
3. Okay so you get to the store and you're on a mission for something amazing but with great deals. So you go to the back of the store but there aren't any deals and if they due they are hideous so then you have quickly pace yourself around the store. And you find your item in the very corner of the room.
4. So you're pumped to go. You're got your amazing item. Maybe not as cheap as you'd like it but it's there and then you are stuck in that long never ending line. And you feel so impatient because you are getting tired, you're thristy, and maybe even a little hungry and those cinnamon roles in the next store isn't helping you out much better lol
5. So finally you get out of there, decide to pass on the overpriced cinnamon role and go to leave the mall. But you are stuck! You cannot find your car. So you desperately search for that gold saturn that not nearly a million people in Fresno have already.
6. Finally you find your car BUT the person right infront of you is too chicken to just go already.
7. Finally they do leave and you have escaped the parking lot. And then drive for 10 minutes almost falling asleep to your precious home.

The End.