Insecurities.

I'm just going to say this up front. I know most of my blogs are depressing and the thing is most of the time I am happy and when I'm happy I don't feel like blogging but when I'm depressed I feel as if I need to get my feelings and thoughts out of my system. So here it goes...

Lately... I can't even look at my body in the mirror. For the first time I have truly begun to feel self conscious. I feel more attractive with my clothes on. I can't looking at myself naked. I feel so disproportionate.

Not only that but I'm really lonely. Really really lonely. So not only do I feel unattractive but I also feel that I don't have a chance. In the past six months every guy that I've tried talking to has just wanted me for sex or blown me off. Both of which I can't stand. I don't feel truly accepted by many of my friends and I feel a bit abandoned in a way.

I know what you're thinking. Have faith in the lord and good things will come to you. The thing is I've been praying about all of these things for months and I feel hopeless.

My New Friend Matt.

Matt is my new friend. At first I wasn't too sure of what to think of him and he made me feel a little uneasy at first but the more we keep talking the more we realize we could be good friends. Now our friendship will never be more than friends because he's 23. I want to make that very clear. We both have talked about this and have come to an agreement that we could never be more than friends.

Matt is a strange silly fellow and that's what I like about the guy. He has many stories to tell me about and we always have a good laugh. We hung out last night after my shift and just walked around Riverpark and it was nice. We shared various experiences and strange moments with eachother and it was fun.

I just thought I'd share that with you because truly I didn't expect him to be my friend.

The Past Hurts.

I've been looking through so many pictures on my old laptop because I'm giving this laptop to my grandpa so I have to completely clear it out and take my music and old photographs onto my other computer. All I can say is... junior year was amazing. Despite the stress I truly had some amazing people in my life and each and every picture has been breaking my heart in a way. At least i have the memories.

I've gone through various choir pictures, "Fish Nets and Rice Day", various family pictures, other pictures from school,...etc.

Not to mention as I was playing these the song "I Miss You" by Blink 182 was playing on my iTunes...oh the irony.

*sigh*

I just wish I had some of these people back in my life like how they used to be for an example....


1. Malachi Taylor
2. Emily Silveira
3. Matt Means
4. Wiebke Scholtz
5. Justin Fleschenberg
6. Joshua Brown
7. Kevin Thunderberg (ahh totally forgot his last name gahhh)
8. Melody McLear
9. Colin Dalton
10. Summer Cecil

And I know there will be more added to my list as I look through these pictures.

"I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so."- Blink 182