A simple...rant.

For all of those who are about to read this. This was purely created out of passionate despise and was also created for love of quick writing. When I am angry I have to type it out and so I am for warning you this and I know it's something that will eventually work out. But when I wrote this last night I had developed so much anxiety and anger inside that I let my fingers flow on my keyboard.

ENJOY! :D

How is it that even you who knows how perspective I am that I wouldn’t understand you. And this situation you created. That is right. You keep telling yourself it has been me all along. Me being the, “over dramatic angry whore.” But you have misunderstood the situation. Have some balls and apologize for this madness you created. You were the one that cheated your way through our relationship. Sly like a menacing fox about to race to the pray. Eyes open wide dazzling while you salivate all over the new estrogen proto type. I suspected but didn’t confess. I wanted and hoped for the best and looked for the good. But those menacing dazzling eyes shredded me into pieces. You walk away from your own damage you’ve created acting as if it’s the circle of life.

Well here’s the thing, you’re subconscious mind is blocking the guilt and shame from your own selfish never ending need of something new and fresh. You were looking for love and once you found me even though your thoughtless words said you loved me, you were hiding from acknowledging the unclaimed desire of a perfect love. I was your temporary cover up. And you consistently persisted to take more from me. More of things I would have wanted to keep sacred but I gave them to you out of loneliness and feeling needy. A concept I never truly understood until then. You desire for perfection in all outlooks but you know you will never truly be happy because inside you’re so incredibly self conscious by your own imperfect self. You desire to be the perfect one woman man but also to be the man of many women. The two complete opposites will never be the yin and the yang. They clash like two tigers fighting for a mate.

You disgust me with your sexually addicted fascination that you lost all love for me and persisted till I wouldn’t give you anymore. You then realized that I wouldn’t give you what you wanted and became bored and gave up on something incredible. We made it seem like we were just a summer fling but even you know it was so much more. Not even your own subconscious mind can hide that. I don’t believe you ever loved me like the way you said you did. Or barely ever kissed me the way lovers should kiss. But I know I meant something to you and I will be someone you’ll never forget. I will be that lingering taste in your mouth like a comfort food. Over time you will crave my taste and I will have simply moved on by then because truly as hurt as I am by this massacre. I am relieved that you are no longer the boy I am embarrassed to say is my boyfriend, no longer the boy who pressures me into something I don’t want to become, no longer the boy who only wants an everlasting more.

I want someone that will love me for me and respect my decisions and who wouldn’t ever have the thought in mind to manipulate me to do something I’m not ready to do or want to do. And you sir, the gluttonous luster, I am happy to say that I will never let you try to pry upon me again. I have examined the way you etch your way to battle and for your information this battle is over. And the victory is mine.

Pick up the Pieces

Please glorious amazing lord help me. For I have fallen into a broken place. Not necessarily dark but broken. I thought I was over my last ex and then you gave me that dream reminding me that he was still there in my mind subconsiously. Lord I want to let go. And let go of someone I care about now and my ex. I need to start a new path in my life now and they are not what I want in the back of my mind. The to polar opposites that had drawn me in in many different complex ways. But they are my past. No matter how much my heart thirsts for the taste of  "feeling loved" I will prevail. I need my own time God. For months my faith with you as fallen. At this point I'm not really sure how to start all over again but all I can say that is and will always stay true is that I believe in you lord and you are truly the most incredible light. When the time is right and you know I'm for sure ready come into me and show me a new glorious world. 

A Taste of Go Girl [True Story]

So my Dad and I are in Vons just picking up some things before picking up Chinese at Happy Dragon. So we're looking around and we're discussing energy drinks and Dad is raving about Tag. So I tell him you know I don't think they sell Tag here but we look anyways. So we find the collection of energy drinks and did not see Tag (as I suspected) but, we saw the lamest name for an energy drink that had estrogen written all over it. It was called Go Girl. My dad and I busted up laughing as soon as we saw the product.



So anywho I'm like wow...that's got to be one lame energy drink. It sounds super weak. And so he's like, "Well...why don't you try it?" So I pick up this "energy drink" and take a look at it

It was really pink. Apparently Go Girl supports the Breast Cancer Foundation. And had the typical qualities as your average energy drink.



So I'm like okay why not for the heck of it. So I go to put the Go Girl can in the basket it and I guess someone it hit a sharp corner and it starts to explode in the front of the isle so my dad takes it and puts pressure over the opening and then gives it to me which ofcourse gets more "Go Girl shit" all over me so then I decided that I must stash away this evidence so I put it by the plant section infront of me and quickly walk away with my dad lol. Once we arrive to check out my dad says go get another one so I get it. We leave the store and it truly was pretty weak...

It was just like a strawberry soda.



So the moral of this story is...

If you see any drink product with the word Girl in it...they're most likely sexist bastards...

If you are in need of storing an exploding object in a store hide it with the plants.



And just to fill you in on something...

As lame as it was...
Breast Cancer never tasted so good :].

I'm Done.

I'm on with a new chapter in my life now. I want to be more heard and not just the friend on the sidelines. I want to be someone that truly makes a difference in other people's lives. I want to be the person that people can come to and just vent and ask for advice from. I want to be the one that has true friends that are completely happy with just watching Boy Meets World or are up for an adventure. 

I had friends like these and as time has moved on some have moved away, some have changed, and some have just almost completely shut me out from their true selves. 

All of these things used to be things I had in friends and I noticed... lately the ones that I have made a difference in their life, the ones that wanted my advice and were very open with me, the ones that wanted to just chill. Weren't the people that I considered my close friends but they are true friends. 

Today, I started to notice my feeling of truly wanting to let go and then I heard more things about others who have talked about me behind my back which I never didn't suspect but it was proof.  I'm tired of the fake friendships and I'm ready for real ones. 

After going to Hanford, I was around true people. People that didn't cause drama. People that I could trust and know would care. People that I know I could play glow in the dark frisbee at 2am :). People that want to just sit on a hammock or sit in a pitch black room and talk about issues. 

So thank you God for this challenge. In the past I used to hate change but in a way now I have become to really be grateful for the challenges you make me face. They make me stronger each day and I know in my heart the pain will end and there will always be a new even more beautiful beginning. 

Blessings.

I graduated.

And I'm not sure why BUT I'M SO STOKED!!!

So many amazing people I know from Campus Life and other friends said Congrats to me afterwards and I'm surprised I didn't cry from such joy. It was amazing to see all of them and I'm just so glad they went. I love you all.



Sober Grad was awesome. I almost didn't go even though I paid but I was like okay maybe it'll be kind of cool and it was a blast :D. Haha gambling probably was the best part lol. I'm not gonna lie lol.



Then I wake up this morning and someone who was my best friend tried getting in contact with me today and it was like OMG another blessing!

And this isn't even with all of the lovely graduation gifts and people that came to visit.



I don't think I've been this happy in a long time.

Thank you so much lord for your plentiful blessings :D

Help.

Lord Almighty,

I'm so tired of people that I think care about me lie to me, smile at me fakely, telling me they love me when I know the truth. I just wish people said the honest truth. I wish people didn't feel as if they had to hide their true self from me. Even the little things that they may feel as if I may be jealous or disappointed...whatever the situation is they should be able to trust me. I have been a good friend Lord. I have tried anyways very hard and we all fall short at times but I need you to forgive me and help me through this process for the best. Whether it means to let go and move on or to help strengthen the relationship just help me. I'm in a time in my life where times are changing and I don't feel as if I have anyone to really rely on. I have a feeling this summer a lot will change in general and one of the things is that I want to get closer to you lord but I want to also find friends that I can call a best friend again and mean it without looking at that person knowing that we aren't anymore or the boyfriend who says he loves me when I know he cares but he doesn't nearly care about me like the way he used to. I'm just so tired of being disappointed with the people I get close to. Because they always fade away. And yeah a bit of that is life. People do come in go but, I really would love to have some people I can actually rely on for a change.

A Strange Dream.

Okay so I shared this with a couple people today but I had the strangest dream last night.


It was prom and for some reason every couple were like on these little boats on this lake. It was night and everything looked really pretty there was candle light and everything but in the lake there were all of these polar bears and sharks. And there was this one polar bear and shark and both of them were like two times the size of my house (maybe more) and they wanted to eat me lol.


So I'm trying to hide from the polar bear and the shark behind this ice wall which is barely on any land to be supported which connected out to the lake.. And the polar bear ends up giving up but the shark is a little jerk and keeps on trying to get me but finally after a while the shark goes away so I bounce on each of the empty boats to go on the boat with my date who oddly wasn't Rex but Raphi lol I have no idea why Raphi was my date or why were were on these boats (or better yet why a massive shark and polar bear were trying to eat me but ANYWAYS!) I told Raphi we needed to leave and he's like what? And I just tell him we've gotta go there is a massive shark trying to eat me so we float in our boat as fast as we can away from the lake into this gate area where you could exit the lake and the shark started coming after us but we got out before the shark could get us.


I don't know what was going on with my subconscious mind but it was on CRACK! lol