Changes Over TIme

So I am aware that's been a while since I've blogged. Interestingly enough my pastor out of all people inspired me to blog right now. I was going through my emails and found one from my youth pastor, Paul Mannino, that he sent a url to a blog he had posted. It was really encouraging to see his love for the growth in NH's ministry and that he is so excited for the many changes and how God has come into the youth's lives. He described the wins and it made me really want to reflect with what's been going on my life lately and I figured why not blog it.

There have been some changes over the past few months now. I'm in my third semester in college now and it's been absolutely nonstop. I am very involved with school, work, and the youth ministry at NH. I go to school Tuesday, Wednesday. and Thursdays, work five days a week, and am in involved as the freshman high school girl's small group leader and either am at church or at a meeting for volunteering as a total of 2-3 days a week. On top of that I also have a wonderful boyfriend, some friends, and my family to try to find time for, oh yeah and homework I suppose lol. It's one heck of a schedule and it hasn't been easy but it's making me more independent which I enjoy.

Over the summer I was mainly working. I didn't take a vacation and would somedays hang out with friends, my boyfriend, Gary, or run a thousand errands lol.

Recently I have really been trying to pray more. My relationship with God got to the point where it was nearly non-existant. It seemed really fake to myself. I wanted to have a relationship with God, but I wasn't ready to have a great relationship with God again. I'm not going to lie, I have done some partying here and there. Not enormous amounts or super insane parties either, fairly chill ones really but still I have enjoyed partying. I have had problems with feeling tempted to flirt with other men while having a boyfriend (although I had never done anything it was still a desire), and apart of me really just didn't feel comitted to anything besides work. I know for myself that it was a stage and it is possible it may come again. But I can honestly say right now that I don't have a desire to go partying often at all. I suppose if I was invited to a party and if I wasn't exhausted from work, I'm sure I'd check it out, but I'm simply not really interested otherwise. I'm not seeking for one for sure.

But continuing with earlier I have been praying a lot more. Mainly for my girls' growth in their faith with god and mine as well. I had a talk with Paul and he has encouraged me to pray about something wonderful God has created every day and to read at least a different verse everyday. Now I haven't read a verse every day but I have been taking it one step at a time. I've been praying more about myself, others, and things that I am greatful for. I think that's a big step from near non-existance.

The girls I have gotten to know from church are incredible. They are all unique and wonderful girls. They all have such wonderful characteristics and I really care for them like they are my little girls. They yearn to understand truth, be loved, and understand themselves. And to see and be apart of their lives is just amazing. I feel truly blessed. I was talking in the car tonight with my friend Haylie Royce and I told her, you know if I can't do anything else with these girls this year its to show them that love and compassion and for them to have someone they can look up to and rely on. Even if I'm not going to be in Fresno forever, that they know that they can truly trust. I think that is very important to have is at least one person you know that you look up to as a role model and I really want God to help me be the best I can be for them. And along the way I'm sure I'll learn things from them as well.

On another note I've been dating Gary Weyand for a little less than 6 months now. He has very good to me overall. He has a great love for me and I do for him as well. As I have explained there was a time where I felt tempted to be with others while with him. That was a first for me. I've never felt tempted to flirt or cheat in a relationship in any way and it wasn't until recently when I erased a certain relationship out of my life that I truly loved him as well as Gary has loved me. I even admitted this to him today. I didn't go into specifics but I gave him the general idea. He is someone that for now I know I can rely on. Whether our relationship only lasts a few more months or that it lasts for years, I'm just appreciative that I have someone that is special to me now and that thinks I'm just as special too.

I know this blog hasn't been organized in any kind of way but lastly I would like to say this, I have so many goals that I am desiring to accomplish and that is to:
1. Be more proactive with my relationship with God. I can't just expect things to just happen to me. I need to do something about it where it's prayer, reading my bible, study groups..etc.
2. I really want to work on whatever problems I have with myself such as: I tend to talk too much too often around certain groups of people. I want them to do more of the talking. I feel very selfish in these conversations. Although I have SIGNIFICANTLY worked on my anger and my frustrations, I would really like to improve them so that my frustrations are even more constructive and concise or just to maybe keep a few things to myself rather than blab it. I want to be more patient with others (mainly family members)
3. I want to be a better friend and even though I have such a crazy schedule, to reach out to others more often. I tend to get so absorbed with my schedule and I am so used to people leaving me that I tend to just forget about trying to be close to others. Isn't that a sad thing? To forge tabout those you have cared about...I think there is something definitely wrong with that.
4. I want to find time for myself. Although I'm so busy all of the time doing everything I really crave to have hours or even a day to myself. It's very difficult but it would be nice to at least have once a week or every other week.


Overall I think I've been growing. I think its important for us all to recognize our mistakes, hypocracies, and messed up personalities and to desire to change our flaws to create something more wonderful. .

Things are getting better.

Last month my major downer was my car accident. The whole event was just terrifying and emotionally exhausting. To top onto that my manager majorly cut back my hours. I felt that things were just going to get worse.

But they didn't, and I am so greatful they have only been getting better.

-My manager is giving me more hours so I will be working 4/5 days a week now!
-I will be able to buy a car by first week of March
-I have a wonderful boyfriend who is making sure to try to set more time to talk to me nowadays.
-I saw Jesse and Steven last week which was great. I missed both of them so much.
-I'm in a band and we actually make some great tunes together.
-Things are getting better with my parents and I.
-My cat finally had surgery and is feeling MUCH better.

Life is pretty dandy...the only things I have been a bit stressed about are:
-School
-And what I plan on doing this summer...warped tour or summer school and work. I know this shouldn't be too hard of a decision but seriously though, my family wouldn't take the news of warped tour too easily. The reason why I want to go is because it would be a something I've never done before, I'd get to meet a lot of people, I'd be around my boyfriend and my friends everyday, and I'd be surrounded my music all of the times. The reasons why I want to go to school and work is because I would like some extra cash and to get some classes out of the way. But here is the thing, what is the point of taking summer courses when I still have no idea what I want to do with my life? I am still very conflicted by these too. Even though warped tour would be amazing, is it realistic for what I need? Would I just be procrastinating on my future?

Please some words of wisdom would be helpful.

Kelly's Accident.

So yeah...it happened...Kelly totaled her car. Good job right?

So this is what happened. I was driving to Sonora to see Jesse and Steven for a couple days. I told my parents I was spending the night at Chris and Brittney's place and Chris and I were going to record some music and Brittney and I were going to watch some movies together.

I left Fresno at about 8:15 and was about halfway there and had just past a town called Mariposa. Everything was going well. And I felt very confident driving on the mountains. I went 41North and then I merged into 49North. And then it happened. I was driving and noticed a shorter curb (mind you I was driving about 65-70mph) and I started to break JUST A LITTLE BIT because I felt that I was going a bit to fast.

I then started swerving and tried correcting my car but before I knew it my car had completely flipped over and turned over towards the side of the mountain.

There I was in my passenger seat upside down and freaking out. This didn't just happen! OMG!!!! I was completely conscious and terrified. Glass was everywhere. My crap was everywhere and I had to get out of my car. Immediately I got out and stepped out to see the damage.

OH MY GOD! It was terrible. It was as bad as bad could be. I then looked to see about 50 ft. back was a man who had pulled over to check out what had happened. He noticed a little blood on my neck so he went to his car to see if there was anything. The blood was actually from my thumb. I had a gash on the side of my left thumb bleeding like crazy. He then put a cheap band aid on to help stop the bleeding but it didn't help by much.

I called my parents first and they were in complete shock. I told them what had happened and they said there were driving to the local hospital ASAP. I then called Jesse. There wasn't an answer. I then called Steven and he didn't answer either so I left him a voicemail.

A couple more people showed up and they called an ambulance. A fire fighter was off duty drove by and came to help me. By this time I had already taken out most of my main belongings and put them to the side of the road and she asked someone to hold my neck up straight.

She asked if I was in any pain. I only had a little gash in my left thumb and a lot of back pain. This was extremely lucky for the accident I was in. She then asked the general questions such as my name and the scene of the accident.

I was an absolutely emotionally distressed and traumatized. I couldn't help but cry. The fire fighter lady then told me that she needed me to calm down and I obeyed. Crying wasn't going to make anything better in my situation.

I was then strapped to a straight board by the abluance guys and then put into the ambulance. As the were strapping me a photographer was taking pictures from the scene. I just closed my eyes and tried looking away. This was so embarrassing. I felt so completely humiliated and idiotic.

While in the abulance I tried cheering up and making light of my situation. I hadn't died and for the most part I looked pretty damn good to have been flipped with my car over. A gash on my thumb and some back pain was nothing. The main paramedic then told me that they had snip my clothes. Meaning, he had to get siccors and completely destroy my entire attire. AH my favorite jeans were toast!(but again this is only a minimal material item). But again, this was humiliating and embarrassing. The main paramedic tried to put in an IV but missed it. Lovely. He then told me he typically didn't miss blood vessels and said he wouldn't do another one until we arrived at the ER (if I needed one). I was relieved.

We then chatted a bit more about various things with the paramedic making a friendly conversation. Mind you, if you haven't noticed I try to make light of situations, no matter what. I have realized that if anyone keeps stressing themselves out about a situtation it only leads to greater depression. I would rather make a little light of something and then find a solution then or later.

I then was put into the ER. I met various nurses and they all were very kind to me. First I was put into a gown and then taken to have X Rays. The X rays took about about 20 minutes all together and I was still strapped onto the flat board. I was very uncomfortable.

I was then taken back to the room and sent out a few more texts to others about the news but only briefly and then hear my parents coming. As soon as I saw my mom I began to baul. I had once again lost a bit more of her trust and I had almost killed myself. I told her how sorry I was and that I couldn't do something like that to her. I couldn't die and hurt both my mom and dad that way.

I talked to my mom for a while and mainly held my mom's hand.

Nurse Jim them walked in and told us they were about to give me stitches for my thumb. Dr. Smith then walked in and numbed my thumb up which was OH SO PLESANT and then made three stitches. One of the lady nurses came in and said, "Okay we're going to give you some morphine. Yay morphine! And then she said, "Up the butt." I thought she was joking. I asked her if that was really necessary and she said yes. It hurt a bit but not as bad as I thought it would. The shot to my thumb was surprisingly MUCH WORSE.

Now unlike most people who have had mophine at hospitals I didn't really feel a thing. I just felt exhausted. There wasn't a ceiling vent trying to eat me or magical creatures in the room. Nope nothing. Just drowsiness. UGH! The one time I can legally try a drug! GAH!

I was still on the flat board and feeling quite uncomfortable, physically exhausted, emotionally exhausted, and hungry.

After lying on the board for about another 45 minutes or so I was free. I then thanked the nurses for their help and said that it was nice meeting them lol. We then left the hospital around 2/3 (I don't really remember) and then headed over to the junk yard to pick up more things that might have been in my car. I just stayed in my dad's car and read, trying to get the accident out of my mind.

We then left and went headed over to a diner. Finally food!!!

And then departed to head home.

The end.

Sum of injuries:
1. Back pain
2. Stiches in thumb
3. Internal bruises
4. Soft tissue damage

Prescriptions:
1. Vicodin

Not bad for a near death experience.

I am Happy. :]

Many of the blogs I have posted are depressing or creative writing. It has also been a while since I have posted anything so here it goes.

I am so completely happy right now. I have come to the realization that no matter the challenges I have found my happiness.

I have found and have soaked up the people in my life that truly care about me and that I do as well. And I have taken out those who I felt used by, unappreciated, and or untrustworthy.

I have a boyfriend that I barely even know, but I already have amazing feelings for. Our chemistry is SO STRONG and I know I can truly be myself around him. With Rex, I always cared about him and I knew i could be myself but the chemistry with Jesse is 5x more amazing. Jesse likes EVERYTHING about me, thus far haha.

I am truly trying to get connected with various family members, which also is branched off of the first statement. I have been calling my sister more and I'm going to email Ray this week again. Despite the awkwardness of maintaining my relationship with my biological father, I know it's a relationship that I asked for. Even though it has taken so much time for my outreach and that it may take YEARS for me to accept him truly as a family member that I am making another step.

I have been working on my decision making and my attitude in tough situations. I feel as if I truly am improving myself as a person. People that don't change ever don't go anywhere. No matter what you do in life, without changing yourself first, life isn't nearly as rewarding.

Although there are a few things that I definitely want to work on such as my job situation, money management, and time management. I am making a couple huge steps to being a better person and doing better things for others.

Also, pardon my language but I'm tired of bull shitting. In many situations I have been very submissive. Although I do believe that a certain about of submission is good for everyone, I believe that I need to be more real with people and if I truly believe in something strongly, I will make it heard. This maybe one of the hardest changes for me but it is something that I will definitely work on and progress in time over the next few months.

So as my wonderful media psychology teacher, Mr. Beggs once said, "Do change! Change is good!"

Insecurities.

I'm just going to say this up front. I know most of my blogs are depressing and the thing is most of the time I am happy and when I'm happy I don't feel like blogging but when I'm depressed I feel as if I need to get my feelings and thoughts out of my system. So here it goes...

Lately... I can't even look at my body in the mirror. For the first time I have truly begun to feel self conscious. I feel more attractive with my clothes on. I can't looking at myself naked. I feel so disproportionate.

Not only that but I'm really lonely. Really really lonely. So not only do I feel unattractive but I also feel that I don't have a chance. In the past six months every guy that I've tried talking to has just wanted me for sex or blown me off. Both of which I can't stand. I don't feel truly accepted by many of my friends and I feel a bit abandoned in a way.

I know what you're thinking. Have faith in the lord and good things will come to you. The thing is I've been praying about all of these things for months and I feel hopeless.

My New Friend Matt.

Matt is my new friend. At first I wasn't too sure of what to think of him and he made me feel a little uneasy at first but the more we keep talking the more we realize we could be good friends. Now our friendship will never be more than friends because he's 23. I want to make that very clear. We both have talked about this and have come to an agreement that we could never be more than friends.

Matt is a strange silly fellow and that's what I like about the guy. He has many stories to tell me about and we always have a good laugh. We hung out last night after my shift and just walked around Riverpark and it was nice. We shared various experiences and strange moments with eachother and it was fun.

I just thought I'd share that with you because truly I didn't expect him to be my friend.

The Past Hurts.

I've been looking through so many pictures on my old laptop because I'm giving this laptop to my grandpa so I have to completely clear it out and take my music and old photographs onto my other computer. All I can say is... junior year was amazing. Despite the stress I truly had some amazing people in my life and each and every picture has been breaking my heart in a way. At least i have the memories.

I've gone through various choir pictures, "Fish Nets and Rice Day", various family pictures, other pictures from school,...etc.

Not to mention as I was playing these the song "I Miss You" by Blink 182 was playing on my iTunes...oh the irony.

*sigh*

I just wish I had some of these people back in my life like how they used to be for an example....


1. Malachi Taylor
2. Emily Silveira
3. Matt Means
4. Wiebke Scholtz
5. Justin Fleschenberg
6. Joshua Brown
7. Kevin Thunderberg (ahh totally forgot his last name gahhh)
8. Melody McLear
9. Colin Dalton
10. Summer Cecil

And I know there will be more added to my list as I look through these pictures.

"I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so."- Blink 182